I Don’t Need No Stinking Labels!

If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against.  The struggle between “for” and “against” is the mind’s worst disease

Sent-ts’an, c. 700 C.E.


The Teabagger gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to ensure their safety and work as advertised. All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now The Teabagger gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. The Teabagger’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. The Teabagger takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. The Teabagger dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree-hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. The Teabagger begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards The Teabagger’s employer pays these standards because The Teabagger’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If The Teabagger is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune. It’s noon time, The Teabagger needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. The Teabagger’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect The Teabagger’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression. The Teabagger has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that The Teabagger and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. The Teabagger is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dad’s; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the dark) He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so The Teabagger wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a radio talk show, the host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good (He doesn’t tell The Teabagger that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit The Teabagger enjoys throughout his day). The Teabagger agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives.


The Progressive gets up at noon to prepare his first bong. He fills the bowl full of weed that he bought with his welfare check that some hard working conservative’s taxes funded. He takes his daily medication with his first hit. (He needs it for asthma induced by all of the pot) His medications are free because some conservative’s taxes funded the free clinic as well. He prepares his morning breakfast, Twinkies and some curried tofu that he bought with food stamps that were funded again by the hard working Conservatives. He skips his morning shower and instead covers his stench with a bunch of patchouli oil, deciding instead to go back to bed. He can be this lazy because he can’t find a job with the useless degree in sociology that was paid for with a Pell Grant again funded by the Conservatives’ taxes. The progressive has no work day; he rationalizes that he doesn’t need a stinking job because he’s smart enough to get it all for free. He can do this because some Conservative has to pay not only is own way, but also this freeloader’s way in life. It’s 5:00 PM, The progressive wakes up again, this time to his angry mother screaming about him running up her electric bill because he forgot to close the fridge door. The progressive cusses out his mom, pulls on a tie-died T-shirt and wanders out of her basement onto the street to escape her scorn and admonitions to “get a job!” The progressive has no Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage because he still lives in his mom’s basement. The progressive decides it was good he left because he needed to visit his drug dealer this evening any how. He has to walk there because he doesn’t have a car. He claims that this is because he’s being “green” but in fact it’s just because he’s an unemployed loser that can’t afford a car because of the expense of his drug habit. He arrives at his dealer’s home in the hood. His dealer’s neighborhood is crime ridden and desolate, but that’s because everyone is a progressive here. The dealer’s house didn’t have electric until some Conservative was forced to pay a higher electric price to make up the difference for the low income energy subsidy that the dealer now receives in spite of the fact that his illegal dealings give him far more disposable income than the stupid Conservative who actually works for a living and abides by the law. The progressive is happy to see his dealer because he’s smoked all of his stuff and needs a fix real bad. His dealer drives a brand new BMW financed by the money he makes selling drugs, money that came from government hand outs intended to ease some poor person’s misery, but was instead misappropriated by loser progressive addicts. After his visit with his dealer he walks back to his mom’s house to get high with his hippie hooker girlfriend who recently had her 9th free abortion paid for with the stupid conservative’s hard won tax money. They sit in the basement, stoned out of their minds and he keeps saying that “Teabaggers” are bad and progressives are good because “Teabaggers” are less educated and therefore can’t figure out how to game the system the way the progressive does. The hippy girlfriend agrees, “We don’t need those stupid Teabaggers ruining our lives. Now shut up and post more crap on Yahoo so Soros will give us some more money for pot”.

Why did humans evolve to have morals — and why did we all evolve to have such different morals, to the point that our moral differences may make us deadly enemies? It’s a question with deep repercussions in war and peace — and in modern politics, where reasoned discourse has been replaced by partisan anger and cries of “You just don’t get it!”

Brian Gray

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